I had another kind of rough time at the gym tonight, but before I get to that, first some good news - my total weight loss is now at 19 pounds! I was doing bicep curls yesterday with two 10 pound weights, so essentially, the weight I've lost. Crazy.
Tonight I had planned to go to 2 classes at my gym after work. My gym offers tons of great classes, and while I love the social aspect of it and the variety, they don't always fit into my schedule. Wednesdays are usually my late days at work, although everyday has been a "late day" lately, thanks to my March 15th deadline. Anyway, I finished all of my work by 5:15 and raced through traffic to make it home in time to change and get to class by 7. The first class is a pretty intense cardio class, the second is cardio mixed with weights. These would fulfill today's exercise requirement of 1 hour of cardio, and when I took them a couple weeks ago, I loved them. The teacher is super high-energy and encouraging, and doing cardio in intervals helps make the hour fly by (especially compared to spending that time on a treadmill). Unfortunately, tonight's class was packed, and most of the girls in the class seem to be regulars, so I just felt like I was in everyone's way and trying really hard to keep up with everyone else. My gym's classes are all designed for people at any level to be able to participate, so I've never had this problem before, but it was really intimidating being the only one struggling to keep up with everything. But my real insecurity? Being in a room full of thin girls. Frustrated by all of this, I stayed for the first class, and spent my last half an hour of exercise on the treadmill and elliptical.
The funny thing about this happening tonight is that, all day at work today, I felt fantastic. Just full of high self-esteem. Although I'm really busy with work, I'm also really good at it, and have been knocking out tons of projects in record time, so I feel good about that. And when I'm in the office, I get to chat with my nice, fun co-workers who are always good for a laugh. And today I wore this red dress. I haven't worn it in a few months because it was getting a little tight, but today it was hanging loose on me and I got tons of compliments, so I was enjoying a nice, positive body image.
Even when I exercise, I generally feel pretty good because it's just me, or me and my super supportive, encouraging trainer, or me going on "gym dates" with Bob. I know I'm not some kind of super athlete, but I can see just how far I've come in a couple of months, and so can Bob and K., so I feel like I at least have a couple cheerleaders.
Yet put me in a room with a bunch of girls who are seemingly friends (probably not really, they just take the class together every week), all in great shape, and all just kicking ass at this class, and I felt like crap about myself. When I was a kid, I was this chubby girl who didn't have a lot of friends, sitting in class with cliques of skinny girls who all just made fun of me. I've said it before, I really do have high self-esteem now, and I know that I'm awesome, but tonight I kept hearing all these voices from my childhood, making fun of me for being fat and having a hard time. Ugh. How do you silence that?
Having been at a semi-healthy weight as an adult before, I know that part of me will just always identify with that chubby girl, but I'm hoping to be able to deal with that better and not let it sideline me so much. I know tonight was just a bad night and this is an emotional transformation and all of that, so tomorrow will be better.
Sorry that you had a rough day. I am sorry that you felt frustrated today, and I recommend that you try these classes again. I have picked on in school, too, even though I was always skinny, because I looked different from everyone else and wore really big clothes (my mom always bought me clothes that would fit me in 2 years, so I could grow into them) and had glasses. Mean people will be mean for any reason. The best advice I can give to to repeat to yourself that this is not school, that you are getting fit, and that you are beautiful and strong. Focus on the positive and don't project what other people did in the past onto present situations. I totally understand how it can be intimidating, but the first time is always hard but the next time you go you, you'll know people and the routines and it will be awesome.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'll definitely go back to the classes because they're an awesome workout! To be honest, I tried the cardio class in early January too, and it KILLED me, so I can already see my progress from there. I know that I'm doing good and I'm strong and all, but sometimes my emotions just get the best of me.
DeleteI have a huge amount of insecurity in a room full of people who don't have my body "flaws" and I always think it's a psychologically unhealthy way to be and I'm trying to get past it and can't figure out how. But do you know what's funny? I read your post and 90% of it was discussing awesome things about your life and I was thinking "what on earth does Anne have to be insecure about? She's so strong, she has the endurance to exercise for 2 hours (I cap out at 35 minutes), she's kicking ass at work and she is super stylish. Those people she shared space with for an hour are totally insignificant in this list of amazing things."
ReplyDeleteSee, and this is why it bugs me so much that I even get insecure! I KNOW I have a lot going for me, but sometimes certain situations just make it hard to keep that in mind. I don't know that I'll ever fully get past it, but maybe we can both find a way.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend also points out that I don't go around judging random strangers for how they look, so why would I expect that they are judging me? We should try to think the best of other people - they're not being skinny/sociable/athletic in an attempt to make us feel bad.
DeleteWow, that's downright rational and logical! :) I do generally think the best of people, so you and your boyfriend are totally right here - why would I think they're not doing the same?
Delete19 pounds?!? You are a super star. But, of course, that doesn't mean that you don't feel insecure, even at your most awesome. I always feel totally dorktastic in exercise classes, not so much because of how my body looks as compared to everyone else's (at my old non-fancy gym, I was mostly in classes with little old ladies) but because of what my body does compared to everyone else's--which is pretty much not really what it is supposed to do. I can't even count the number of times I have grapevined the wrong way into oncoming body traffic. Sometimes it mattered to me--and there was nothing I could do not to feel like the biggest idiot--and sometimes it didn't. I always went back to class though, and still grapevined the wrong way more often than not. No one ever cared about it as much as I did. Sometimes there are just bad days.
ReplyDeleteSo you get it! I'll definitely go back, and I know that I do these things every time I take a class, but sometimes it just bothers me. Those are the bad days. Others, not so much. So glad to hear I'm not the only one having these issues from time to time.
DeleteWhat's grapevining? I'll have to look this up...