I'm Done Hiding

Last week, Kim wrote a post that mentioned the goal of wearing a bikini as it relates to being proud or ashamed of our bodies.  I know I had a two-piece swimsuit at some point as a kid, but I haven't worn one since.  As a kid, a lot of this was because my very Irish complexion burns really easily, so my mom tried to minimize the damage.  Sun protection is still key, but that's not what has kept me bikini-free all these years.

I'm really only including this because of that sweet spiral perm. Hello 90's!

Maybe I've mentioned this, but when I was 16 I had to have spinal fusion to correct severe scoliosis.  My brother had the same operation 4 years before me, our dad has severe scoliosis, and my cousin's teenage daughter had the same surgery last fall, so if you're wondering, yes, it's genetic.  Thanks to constant improvements, the surgery has now gotten to a point where it can often be done with just 4 small incisions, but back in the mid-90's, the operation was a lot more involved, and it left me with a 21 inch scar on my back, from just below my neck to just above my butt.  At some point in high school, someone said something hurtful about it (because teenage girls can be SO MEAN!), so I felt ashamed and hid it for years.  

Thankfully the back is a pretty easy spot to hide most of the time, but it's tricky when it comes to swim suits, tank tops and sun dresses.  Swimsuit shopping used to drive me nuts because it was impossible to find anything that wasn't a halter top or strapless, unless I got into athletic suits, which weren't always cute or flattering.  Racer-backs have been my friend in recent years.  But at some point, I realized I was just wasting a ton of energy to cover this thing up, and why?  It's gotten light enough to the point that it's hard to see if you're not up close, but I always had this thought that seeing it would gross people out or make them uncomfortable.  Is that a little ridiculous?  Maybe.

But if I think about it, that scar isn't the only thing I've been hiding for that reason.  Having been overweight for so long, I just got used to hiding everything I didn't like about my body.  As I lost weight last year, I started slowly coming out of hiding.  I still remember what a huge thing it was when I wore a tank top to the gym for the first time last year.  I wore it to a session with my trainer Katy, and she noticed right away and commented about me showing off my arms.  I remember telling her exposed and uncomfortable I felt, but sleeves were starting to get too hot.  I haven't gone back to sleeves for my gym workouts (with the exception of the Awesomeness shirt), so this was just something I had to get used to.

Recently I went shopping for shorts for the first time in years, and discovered that they're actually pretty cute.  I had confined myself to nothing but capris and bermudas for the last 15 years or so, because I didn't love my legs.  I admit that when I first tried them on, I was a little shocked by just how much leg would be showing.  But I bought 3 pairs and have been wearing them around the house just to get used to it, and I'm now okay with shorts.  World, I have thighs, and I'm over covering them up.

What was I afraid of?

And over the past few years, I've finally loosened up on covering my scar.  I'll never go full-out bikini, but I have tops and dresses that show some of it, and heck, even my wedding dress didn't cover all of it up.  It's felt kind of liberating to get it out there, because that scar and everything that came with it are a huge part of my life.  And when I think about what I got in return for it - a straight spine, less back pain, healthy organs, a couple inches of height (seriously! I literally grew overnight!) - it's worth it.  I hope seeing it never does make anyone uncomfortable, but if it does, I guess the issue is with them, not me.

Oh, the barely detectable horror!

Can you relate?  Is there anything you've stopped hiding/covering up?