peace out, blogosphere

Anyone who follows me on a feed or via email has probably seen the flurry of activity here over the past couple of days. So you may not be surprised when I say that I’m hanging up my keyboard and calling it a day here on the blog.

When I started this blog almost 5 years ago, I was writing about the health and fitness journey that I was embarking on with my personal trainer. I loved sharing that journey, talking about becoming a runner, body image, style, sharing recipes, and just life in general. But this blog has been a little lost for the past couple of years because of the direction my life has taken, and I never really found my footing again.

And awkwardly, I posted something I probably shouldn’t have yesterday, and received a scathing reply which called me a liar and a selfish, passive aggressive narcissist (among other colorful things). This was from someone who doesn’t know me personally, but who is also not a random stranger, so someone who certainly has some preconceived notions about me which they have apparently been hoping to confirm by quietly following my blog for months now.

I could ask why people who clearly hate me are bothering to read my stupid little personal blog, but I know the answer. And I know that no amount of pleading on my part (or a blog rename and address change) will stop that from happening. I’m not running away nor am I letting people like this win, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, or having to watch what I say so I can shield myself from the judgment and mockery that is likely happening at my expense.

So with all of that and an overall lack of content and motivation, I’ve found myself wondering what’s the point? My blog was a great way for me to meet a lot of fun people with similar interests over the years, which I’m so grateful for. But it’s not fun for me anymore.

There’s a few blogs that I do still read, but for the most part, I’ve cut way back on that in recent months too. So if you want to catch up, your best bet is to do so the old-fashioned way, by sending me an email, tweet, or note on Facebook.

Thanks for letting me share my life with you these past few years, friends.

2016 Wisconsin Marathon 5k

This past Saturday I ran the Wisconsin Marathon 5k in Kenosha. Despite being less than 2 weeks after my last 5k, the race falling on a really windy day, and my not having done anything specific to work on speed, I surprised myself with a 40 second post-retirement PR (PRPR). Sweet!

It was great to get back to Kenosha to run some part of the Wisconsin Marathon again. My last time there was in 2014, where I scored a pretty sizeable half-marathon PR, but still bonked big-time 10 miles in, melted because of the sun and heat, and had some other crap get in the way that soured my memory of the race. But enough about the past, amiright? Suffice it to say, I was extremely happy to come back to Kenosha and to run a damn fine race with no distractions.

Right after taking this picture, I wished the sun would go away so I could have a good race
{Sunrise over the harbor, as seen from my hotel}

On Friday, I headed up to Kenosha to work at packet pick-up with Erin. Although it was not a bad experience (it was fun to meet so many other runners from the area!), I'm not sure spending 10+ hours on my feet the day before a race is something I'll repeat again. A perk of that job was a hotel room in downtown Kenosha's only hotel, which happens to be about a 10 minute walk from the start line. So unlike other races, where I wake up 2+ hours before the start and panic about the logistics of getting there on time, I slept in until 5:30, enjoyed my free hotel breakfast (which included traditional Danish kringle from the awesome little kringle place in Racine), and sipped my coffee while enjoying a beautiful harbor view and watching people scurry to the race start line.

Yessss.... clouds... keep coming!
{on the walk to the start line}

The 5k started at 7;15, 15 minutes after the half and full marathons. Hoping to see Kim and Rachel (who both ran the HM) before the race started, I meandered over to the start line at around 6:45 and caught them just as the National Anthem was starting. The same thing happened in 2014, when I happened to bump into Kim and Bobbi right before the race started. I love that this race is not so huge that I can't find the only people I know there pretty easily.

Who is going to have a good race today? Everyone in this picture!

Right as the half and full were about to start, the skies got dark and there was even lightning. Gulp, well this is a bad omen. I had a loose time goal of 37:12 in my mind (which would be a solid 12:00 pace for the entire race, and a PRPR of 19 seconds), but I wasn't dead-set on a PRPR attempt so soon after the last one, so I decided to just take it easy and, you know, not get struck by lightning or hailed on, or whatever other weather disaster was coming (and in spring in the Midwest, it's seriously impossible to predict). I started to get really cold as I waited for the 5k start, since the wind was really starting to pick up at this point. I momentarily regretted wearing only a tank top, but reminded myself how much I'd appreciate it once the race started and I got moving.

Oh crap, what terrible weather have I wished upon this race?
{before the 5k start}

The race started right on time at 7:15 and we took off west down 54th street, along the harbor and right past the site of packet pick-up the day before. As the race went through one of the cute downtown business areas, I remembered my last time running through there, and how excited I was to be crushing my goals two years ago. Getting nostalgic about past race awesomeness made me kick things into gear. Before I knew it, we were getting into the residential area and approach the mile 1 marker. 11:34. Holy crap, I knocked out a sub-12:00 first mile.

Right after the first mile marker, we split off from the other races and turned toward the lake. The course ran through a park and then along a marina before running along the lake. It was so pretty, but I obviously didn't have time to stop to take a picture. I was feeling good at this point and knew I could beat my GCM 5k time. The second mile was the hardest of the race, but so much of it was just so pretty. It reminded me of the countless runs I used to take along Lake Michigan, and past some of the harbors and marinas in Chicago. Running nostalgia strikes again. Keep on pushing, you've got this. The hard part of the second mile was the strong-ass winds coming at us from the lake. Those gusts were no joke. But all I could think about when the wind hit was how many of my runs this winter and spring were just as windy (if not more so). The wind slowed me down a little, but didn't discourage me. 12:02. 

There was a water station at mile 2, but I blew right past it as we turned back toward downtown. The stretch between mile 2 and 2.6 was just as windy, but I knew once we turned around the wind would (maybe? hopefully?) be at our backs. I just had to make it to the turn. Through most of the race, I kept playing leapfrog with one of the volunteers from packet pick-up. She and her friend were just ahead of me at this point, so I stuck with them and eventually passed them again after the turn. A voice in my head was starting to tell me I was tired and maybe couldn't keep up this pace, but I knew the mile 3 marker was close so I told it to STFU and thought about how awesome crossing the finish line was going to feel. I hit 2.9 miles at 35 minutes. I had 2:30 left to finish this race up in order to PRPR. At this point I knew I had it in the bag. Not only was I going to PRPR, I was going to do so in under 37 minutes. 11:39.

As I passed the 3 mile marker I felt awesome, so I went balls to the wall for the final push. I flew past a few people who were running out of steam and charged down the finish chute, running the last tenth of a mile at a 10:21 pace. I finished in 36:51, a new PRPR!

Photo by Steven

How you post-race in Wisconsin: beer & brat, naturally

So, what's next? I have two races on my calendar for the rest of the year, both 5ks. The first is the Wauconda Fest 5k at the end of June and is tentative based on the weather. It takes place in a nearby small suburb and fits my post-retirement requirement of not running ridiculously expensive races (by which I mean, anything more than $25 for a 5k is a bit much - sorry, Chicago races). The second is up in Zion in mid-October, and will definitely be a PRPR attempt.

I feel like I've already got my pace under control at this point - it's been steadily getting faster as I've been running more consistently in the past few months, and I expect that to continue so long as I can stick to it. This 5k time is about 15 seconds faster than I was running while HM training in 2013 (and after a year of consistent running at that time), so I'm definitely happy with how quickly I'm getting my speed back. That said, I'm going to shift my focus to building up my endurance for longer runs. Right now, most of my runs are between 2 and 4 miles, and I'd really like to get back to a place where a 5 mile run feels easy.

lessons from mom

It's May, which means it's the month of.... my birthday! Yes, the entire month. But more relevant to those not born in the best month of the year who may be reading this, it's the month where we celebrate the awesome moms in our lives.

Cheers! (2015)

Like a lot of girls, probably, things with my mom weren't always easy. In fact, they were somewhat rocky for a long time - pretty much from the end of high school until I just about hit my 30's and finally grew the f*ck up. It's tough when you're stubborn, hormonal, and have zero perspective on life. But as I've gotten older, I've come to really appreciate all of the things that my mom has done for me, and all of the sacrifices she's made over the years. She halted her own career for 10 years to be a stay-at-home mom to my brother and me. She passed up on many things she may have wanted so that my brother and I could both attend the best private schools in our city, since our neighborhood public school left a lot to be desired. She was a strong advocate for both of us kids when we each had major spinal surgery in high school (even confronting my school's administration when they threatened to fail me for missing too much school by having the nerve to recover too slowly). She's always put her children first. And no matter how horrible I probably was to be around in my angsty teen and college years, she never gave up on me or stopped gushing about how proud she was of me and my accomplishments to anyone who would listen. In honor of Mother's Day this weekend, I thought I'd share some of the lessons that I've learned from my mom.

Life is short. My mom's dad passed away suddenly while she was in high school, which had a profound impact on her. She always said the only thing she wanted was to see us both graduate from high school, since her dad wasn't able to. In that vein, she's always reminded me to appreciate even the smallest things in life, since we never know how long we have here.

You can do it, no matter how long it takes. When my mom graduated high school, she started working immediately (because you could actually get a decent job without a college degree in the 60's) and put off going to college because her family couldn't afford it. She tried going to college a few times over the years, but life kept getting in the way. She finally graduated at the age of 64, and we were so proud of her for finally doing it. Better late than never!

Try new things. When we took vacations, my mom had one rule: we couldn't eat anywhere that we had at home (sorry, McDonald's and the like). I still cite this rule whenever T and I are on the road, and love that it gives us a chance to try new things in new places. And of course this doesn't just apply to food or travel, but life in general. Get out of your comfort zone and stop doing the same old thing. You never know what you could discover if you don't try something new.

Visiting the Bean (c. 2005 or 2006)

Have a strong support network. My mom has always had a lot of friends (she met her BFF almost 50 years ago!) and comes from an extremely close family. When life gets tough, she always has someone to talk to, blow off steam with, have fun with, etc. I don't really have a huge network of friends or anything, but I do have my family and a few very close friends that I know I can always count on when I need them (which came in handy the past few years when I did, in fact, need them).

Take mental health days. Long before there was a large-scale focus on wellness and the need for some "me" time, my mom was a huge proponent of "mental health days." You know those days where you just don't want to go to school or work, but aren't actually sick? Those are the days my mom would encourage a mental health day. I always felt so guilty about skipping school, even if I did need a break, but she'd insist (assuming I wasn't missing anything important). Even as an adult, I've called her to ask if she agreed I should blow off work. Those days are SO necessary from time to time, and definitely not something to feel guilty about, and I'm glad that I was always encouraged to take a break if I needed it.

It's the little things that show others you care. My mom used to write little notes to me and pack them in my school lunches (or often on my lunch - she regularly wrote notes on bananas), just to remind me that she was thinking about me during the day. Sometimes the smallest, simplest of gestures can mean a lot and can make someone's day a little better.

You can love someone even if you don't always love what they do. I remember my mom saying "I love you but not what you did" the few times that I ever did anything wrong as a kid (haha, because I was an angel most of the time), which has definitely stuck with me. No one is perfect, but loving them through and despite those imperfections is what counts.

Lunch cruise on Lake Michigan (2009)

Don't take any guff. More than anything, the one thing my mom always stressed to me was the importance of standing up for myself and not taking any shit from anyone. I got picked on a lot as a kid and was pretty sensitive about it. I remember so many days that she'd pick me up from school and I'd start crying about my day immediately. When she'd drop me off in the morning, the last thing she'd say as I got out of the car was "Don't take any guff from anyone!" And to this day, I generally don't take anyone's crap and don't have room for anyone in my life who gives me any.

What did you learn from your mom (or other motherly figures in your life)?

2016 Glass City 5k Recap

This past weekend I ran a new-to-me (but 40 year old) 5k in my hometown of Toledo, Ohio. In short, I loved the race, had perfect weather, and got myself a post-retirement PR (and hey, maybe one of these days I'll get fast enough to get a real PR again!). This is a race that's going to be on my calendar every year that I'm running, and I'm even thinking about doing the half next year.

As I mentioned last week, the Glass City Marathon, HM and 5k all start and finish at my alma mater, the University of Toledo. Packet pick-up on Saturday was at UT's arena/basketball court/concert venue. I thought the last time I had been there was to see Fuel (I know...) in 2001 or so, but my mom reminded me that I graduated there. Oh, right. So memorable. My mom tagged along with me for her first race expo. I have to say, it was SO WEIRD being back on campus. So many things have changed since I graduated! Or maybe I've just forgotten about a lot of things? Like this rocket (for the UT Rockets) outside of the arena, which seemed new to me, and ridiculously cheesy.

Mom: "But can we take a selfie with it?"

The expo was small compared to a lot of Chicago races, but we still went a little overboard on buying GCM merchandise. But I can't have too many t-shirts, technical shirts and hoodies, can I? I also bought a new belt for my phone, since I realized about halfway through Indiana that I left mine at home (which is one downside to out-of-town races).

Sunrise at the race start area (note the UT clock tower to the right)

The race started at 7:15 ET, which meant a 4:00 CT wake-up call for me. Although I was pretty excited for this race, my Saturday was extremely busy and I didn't sleep well that night, so I was a little worried about energy. Fortunately I ended up feeling just fine once I woke up. The weather was my definition of perfect race weather. It was 36 degrees with no wind and very low humidity. I knew this was going to be a good day for me.

With Barb at the start line

My mom's cousin, Barb, was doing the half and lives right by the University, so I parked at her house and walked to the race start with her. The HM started at 7, so I had plenty of time to stretch my legs, warm-up, and check my bag before the 5k start. After the National Anthem and a prayer, the marathon and HM runners were off. And about 10 minutes after that, the 5k started. For the first time ever, I lined up right at the front of the pack. I don't know why, but I had this feeling that there would be a lot of walkers, and that people weren't really lined up by pace. I was right on both accounts, so starting up front was a good choice, and I didn't have to spend a lot of time at the beginning of the race weaving.

The first mile of the course goes through Toledo's Old Orchard neighborhood which, like many neighborhoods near colleges, is full of beautiful old historic homes. It was a gorgeous day to be running in such a pretty area, but I couldn't help but wonder where the f*ck the 1 mile marker was. I didn't study the course map well enough ahead of time to know this, but the mile 1 and mile 2 markers were both later than they should have been. I did take my first mile slow, but was a little stunned to see that I was already at 13:10 when I finally saw the 1 mile marker. Garmin says this was at 1.1 miles, so my first mile pace based on that was 12:01.

A 13:00+ mile made me feel a little disheartened that maybe I was going more slowly than I had hoped (although according to Garmin, I was right on pace), but this just made me pick things up and I ended up putting down some pretty serious negative splits. The bulk of the second mile was spent making our way back to campus. There was a stretch there where the marathon and HM course passed the 5k. It was so cool to see the streets of my hometown just flooded with runners! Not long after returning to campus, the course hits the big uphill. I was prepared for the hill, but it was still a little challenging. Mile 2 came once we turned on to the University Parks Trail, but it wasn't until my watch said 2.2 miles that I finally saw the marker. Mile 2 pace was 11:48. 

I know Garmin isn't the end-all in race distances, but I started worrying that the course was a little long. I also felt myself starting to fade after the big hill and was really starting to wonder if I could still PRPR this. Then just as I finally saw the 2 mile marker, I looked over and saw my mom on the course! My parents were planning to wait for me at the finish line, so I was not expecting to see them before that time. Once I saw her, I picked up the pace again, wanting her to see me looking strong instead of frustrated. So this was just the boost I needed (except for the ensuing ugly cry that I had to mentally talk myself down from... we've all been there, right?). 

"Stop taking pictures so I can high-five you, Mom!"

After I saw my parents, we turned off of the trail and the course wound its way toward the arena where the expo was held. The arena sits on a hill, so I knew we must be approaching the 3 mile marker, since that's where the big downhill on the course was. I saw the same cheesy rocket from the day before and laughed to myself about it. One of my power songs came on, so I started FLYING down the hill. Once we turned past the arena, I saw the marathon's 26 mile marker and knew the end was in sight. Mile 3 pace was 11:24.

I passed the 36:00 mark just as I was approaching mile 3, so I knew that goal was out the window (and admittedly, it was a little ambitious), but I still had well over 3 minutes to finish the race and still get that post-retirement PR I was gunning for. So I picked it up and charged down the finish chute for that last tenth of a mile. The sun had gotten pretty warm by that time, and I started feeling a really strong urge to puke. I scanned the sidelines for my parents because I did NOT want them to see that, and couldn't find them. Phew. I kept pushing and ran the last .10 mile at a 10:37 pace. My official time was 37:31, so 2:20 faster than Frosty. PRPR!

Photo by Mom

"Now take a sip of your beer!"

Once I crossed the finish line, I picked up my medal and commemorative mug. Glass City marathon mug... because Toledo is the Glass City (home of Libbey Glass). Get it?? GLASS??? There was a pretty big post-race party that included lots of food (fruit, cookies, pizza, etc.), massages and entertainment. But since I already had breakfast plans with my family, I skipped the food and headed straight to the beer tent to get my mug filled. You actually get two drink tickets, which is definitely not terrible.

Overall I had a really great time running this race. Maybe I'm biased having grown up there, but I really liked the 5k course. It's also very reasonably priced (yay, Ohio!) full of perks, and pretty well-organized. But what I like the most is how much excitement there was about the race all over town. Unlike big cities like Chicago, there aren't big races in Toledo every weekend in the spring. This is a big deal there, which I think is pretty cool. And even with the misplacement of the 1st and 2nd mile markers (which was annoying, but not the end of the world), I still think this is a great race and I would absolutely do it again. 

you can go home again (and even run there!)

I’ve written a lot about fresh starts (that’s kind of the point of this blog these days) and starting over, and another part of that process has been seeing an old place or experiencing the same old thing in a new and different way. Such as earlier this month, when I played suburban tourist to run the Shamrock Shuffle (after years of spectating it and then running it while a city resident). Making new memories. It's good stuff.

This coming Sunday, I’m going to be doing that again by doing something I’ve never done in my hometown of Toledo, Ohio before – running a 5k. I try to visit Toledo a few times a year, since my parents and 91 year-old grandma still live there. I haven’t lived there since I graduated college in 2003, and a lot of things have changed there since that time, but it still feels like home to me in a lot of ways. So after deciding to go visit in late April, I checked out Running In The USA just to see if there were any races nearby that may be fun. Despite my 2015 running and racing hiatus, my interest in racing has been renewed after a couple of pretty solid races this year, and after running finally started feeling fun and easy for me again.

The race that I found was the Glass City Marathon, a race that is celebrating its 40^th anniversary this year, but that I had never heard of until I started running myself in 2012. It even starts and finishes at the University of Toledo (which I attended), so I have no idea how it was completely off my radar before. I mean I guess it’s probably because I wasn’t a runner, so probably didn’t pay attention to things like that. This is also a race that I’ve never been able to do because of scheduling conflicts. It always falls the same weekend as the Illinois Marathon and Ravenswood Run, both races that I did in my past life. So I think it’s fitting that a hometown race would replace my old neighborhood race on the calendar, and nice that I can go run a race at my own college (rather than someone else's, as was the case with the IL Marathon).

I’ve logged about 100 miles since I started running again at the end of January, which certainly isn’t the kind of mileage I was logging before, but when combined with boxing, strength training and lots of walking, is enough for me to have gotten back into pretty decent running shape very quickly. My last 4 runs have been hovering around (and even under!) the 12:00 pace, even on my hilliest of suburban routes (as a reminder, 12:00 was my normal pace for a long time while I was running before). That’s a pretty significant improvement from my 13:35 pace when I started back in January, which goes to show what happens when you’re consistent (and are losing weight – I’m down almost 20 pounds since then, which can’t be hurting my time).

How's that for some measurable progress?

So all of that said, I’ll be looking for a post-retirement PR (PRPR – yay acronyms!). My time in the Frosty Footrace 5k on 2/28 was 39:51 (average pace 12:39). That was almost 2 months and about 50 miles ago, and that course was hilly and it was really windy that day, so not ideal conditions. The Glass City course is pretty flat, with just one big hill that’s about a 25 foot incline (which is not even as steep as the hill in my own neighborhood), and there’s a downhill at around the 3 mile mark, so I definitely have that going for me. The current forecast is partly cloudy and 40-45 degrees, which is right in my running temperature sweet spot, so I'm feeling good about my chances. I'm still working out a strategy and definitive time goal, but my loose (and hopefully attainable) goal is 36:00.

More than anything though, I'm excited to run the streets of my hometown, and I'm excited to be going into a race feeling good again (which is a nice change from the feelings of dread and anxiety that I've had going into the last couple of races).

Have you raced in your hometown before?

2016 Shamrock Shuffle Race Recap

After taking 2015 off (from this race, running, etc.), I was back to do the Shamrock Shuffle this past weekend. When my friend Jessie asked me in February if I wanted to stay downtown with her and do the race, I considered it. After feeling good and strong at the Frosty Footrace 5k, I decided to go for it. With 5 weeks in between the two races, my original intention was to actually train for this race, since I hadn't logged anything even close to the 8k distance since running the R&R Las Vegas Half back in November, 2014. But then winter weather continued to be pretty blah (and by "blah" I mean full of blustery days - because when it's somewhat windy elsewhere in Chicagloand, it's pretty f*cking gusty by me!) and I wondered if maybe I should just enjoy a weekend downtown with my BFF and spectate the race instead. But in the end, I decided to just run the race for fun.

Race prep

Adding to my not-so-high hopes about my race performance was the fact that this weekend ended up being really busy. In addition to the Shuffle, Jessie and I decided to check out xaarlin's Mikkeller Running Club on Saturday. And on Saturday night we had dinner with Jessie's mom and our old roommate and then - just as you do the night before a big race - went to an 80's karaoke bachelorette party. And stayed out way too late. And had too many beers. But what is it the kids say? YOLO?

Sunrise-ish

So as you can imagine, the early hours of race morning were a little rough. Fortunately our hotel was right across the street from Grant Park (and also on the race route), so that made things a lot easier than when I actually lived in Chicago and had to take the CTA down to the race. Which is to say, if I do this race again next year, I will most definitely be playing the part of suburban tourist again and getting a hotel. Being in Wave 2, I was still cozy and warm and finishing my much-needed coffee in our room when the race started at 8:30, which was pretty awesome. I also didn't need to bother with gear check. I just took some hand warmers with me and huddled up with the rest of my very crowded corral before the race started.

I did run outside for a quick photo opp with Jessie and her mom before the Wave 1 start
(then promptly turned around and returned to the hotel)

My current 8k PR of 56:49 was set at the 2014 Shuffle, and given that most of my runs have been in the 12:00-13:00 pace lately, I knew a PR attempt was out of the question. So I set a time goal of 1:05, thinking a 13:00 average pace would be doable, especially if I ended up taking walking breaks because I wasn't prepared for the distance. So when I crossed the start line, I resisted the urge to take off too quickly, as I've done in years past. Slow and steady wins the race. Since my Garmin (like everyone else's, I'm sure) was showing some wonky paces (pretty sure there was no time that I hit a 6:00 pace, despite what my watch showed!), I did my pacing based on feel. I was happy to see that I passed the mile 1 marker at 12:29 - right on target! Since I was feeling so good, my initial plan was to run the first 4 miles at around that pace so I could leave some gas in the tank for a strong finish.

The next few miles ticked away pretty easily, except for the massive wind tunnel during mile 3. But other than that, I was just listening to music, enjoying my time running through the city (something I appreciate a little bit more now that I'm no longer a resident of it), and giving high-fives to everyone I could on the sidelines. I swigged a little Gatorade at the first aid station because I was starting to feel hungry, but that was my only walk break. I hit mile 2 at around the 25:00 mark, so right on pace with the first mile. At that point, I somewhat stopped paying attention to my watch and just continued to run based on feel. I did start speeding up a little once I got through the worst of the wind, just because I felt pretty good and like I could push myself harder than I was. According to Garmin, I ran negative splits in miles 2, 3, and 4, even getting to a sub-11:00 pace for the last two, but I'm not sure how accurate that is. If I was running that fast, it sure didn't feel like it!

I hit mile 4 at around 50:00 in, so I still had 15 minutes to meet my time goal! My legs felt good but were starting to get tired, so I slowed down for the last couple of blocks on Michigan Avenue in preparation of the climb up Roosevelt. I ran that entire thing, and will say, delighted in passing everyone who stopped to walk. All of the involuntary suburban hill training is really paying off! I reached the top of the hill at 1:01:30, so I knew the 1:05 goal was totally in sight. I gunned it as much as I could, passing even more runners in the very long finish chute. My final time was 1:03:30, so 1:30 quicker than I was hoping for!

I'm extremely happy with my time, and even more excited that I was able to run a smart and consistently strong race. I don't know exactly how it's happened, but ever since I came out of running "retirement" earlier this year, I'm more determined and mentally a lot stronger than I was the first time around. Once I really got going in this race, I told myself I wasn't going to take any walk breaks, and I just stuck to it and kept on running. And although the distance seemed a little daunting compared to my usual 2-3 mile runs as of late, I told myself I could do it, and I did. It may be because I do know what I'm capable of doing as a runner if I really try and do the work. Or maybe life making me a stronger person in general over the past couple of years has made me stronger in other areas. I'm not sure, but I do like feeling confident about running again.

you're awesome, seriously

While I'm feeling ranty, another thing that's been bugging me as of late that I clearly can't keep to myself anymore (but why start a blog if not to vent?) is the constant use of disclaimers I see people using all over the social media when posting pictures of themselves. Essentially it's something along the lines of "Here's a picture of me. Let me tell you everything that's wrong with it."

Heidi says "Please don't look at how fat my neck is at this angle!"

Every time I see posts like this - which I have to say, is pretty often - I feel so sad. Look, I get that there are times that we don't all love ourselves 100%. And I know that I've seen pictures of myself and thought "oh, that's not super flattering" or "that could use some work." I get this, I do. Especially as a woman who has spent the better part of the last quarter century battling my weight. But this is just my inner monologue talking, and I typically tell it to STFU. I also know that any potential flaw that I see will more than likely go unnoticed by people as they scroll through their feeds. That is, unless I point it out. And that's the thing - if you didn't tell me and the rest of the internet that you're not wearing make-up, your hair is a mess, you feel fat, etc., I wouldn't notice.

This trend isn't even isolated to my social media feeds. One of the super fun (sarcasm) parts of my job as a proposal manager is compiling biographies and head shots for whatever team we're proposing to serve our prospective clients. You know, because seeing that your prospective actuaries are real people with faces is important or something. More often than not when someone sends me their head shot, they have to point out something that is bothering them about it. But the thing is, I don't care. I do think it's interesting that these highly credentialed math nerds who probably make double my salary care that their suit makes them look fat, their beard looks weird, etc., but I don't care and I really don't think that has anything to do with their ability to do their job.

So I'm going to tell you to stop doing that. Stop hating on yourself. You and your perceived flaws are awesome, no matter what they may be, and no matter how huge you think they are. If you start mentally pointing out all the things you don't like, nip that in the bud and remember that you're awesome. And if you don't believe that right now, fake it 'til you make it. That's what I started doing in my early 20's, and that's why for over a decade now, I've thought that I'm pretty awesome (I'm also very humble too - it's my favorite thing about me). It's about time you did the same.